Testimony - Praying-Crying-Preparing In The Darkenss

I want to share with you a testimony about a period of time in my life that I call The Dark Years. I pray The Holy Spirit speaks to you, not only to help you, but to help you help others. I am sharing a small portion of my story that goes back to when I was a toddler. The roots of some of what I am sharing were planted then.

 From about 1997 - 2000 I was in a very intense place. I was operating in a very strong spiritual place, but at the same time I was living a white knuckle, highly intense false freedom from some long standing oppression. It was as if I was in a drug like focus that I thought was the anointing and freedom, but learned it was something else completely.

 A lot transpired during this time and there were many pressures from a lost job, to health issues with my wife, to some other very personal issues I will not mention here.  No matter what I went through my thinking was, I am not acting out in the sin I once did, so I am okay. I was on edge, my temper was on a hair trigger, I was in pain almost all the time, but hey I was about to graduate Discipleship Training, and I am not stopping. 

 I can not effectively describe the level of intensity of the stress and anxiety I entered into around the year 2000. I took a job that I was not built for as an armed guard and couldn't handle the stress of it. I was getting very little sleep. My system was constantly on edge. I was running on adrenaline 24/7 and that cant last . 

 The stress and anxiety were so bad that I had almost constant pains in my ribs and kidney area. I cried bitterly often. I had little control of my emotions, anger began to express itself regularly.

 One night I gave in to the old sin and from there I began to slide. I want you to understand that I wept at the alter many times. I cried out for help many times. I sat in church month after month, year after year in so much internal stress and physical pain I lost hope.

 One night , I walked to The Alter, knelt down, and told The Lord:

"I am sorry, I cant do this anymore."

 As I walked away form the Alter. Pastor Bob Carter stopped me and said "Randy you are a good man". I smiled as to say, sorry it is too late. Shortly after that I entered The Dark years that lasted from 2000-2006.

 It was during this time that I began drinking again, smoking again and engaging again in the sins that I found comfort in since I was very young. I was also working 3rd shift and was basically sleep deprived for the better part of a decade, but that is a longer story. The depth of the darkness I fell into in my soul caused me to feel such shame.

 I hid the pain well. I wasn't acting out in blow ups as much toward those I loved the most, but my addiction to sin grew deeper and deeper. It not only met, but surpassed the sin I came out of when I began attending church around 1993. I was heading toward an abyss that, but for The Grace of God I would not have escaped from.

One night after engaging in the sin I was oppressed and addicted to,  I felt as if I was on the edge of Gods Grace. I began to cry out to God.

 "Please Lord don't let me die in this. Please Lord I want to be free. Protect me until I can find my way out". 

 This I believe was a cry in the darkness because I realized I was beginning to lose sight of the light. I felt in my soul that the way back was closing, the light was dimming, hope of restoration was dying. This prayer was repeated countless time over the next few years. Then things began to turn. I began to see a way back again. This is the main point of this article.

To begin to stand up and move toward the light, even as darkness is trying to hold you in its evil grip. 

 I will say around 2003-2004 , The Lord began to draw me out of the darkness. I began to pray in the spirit more, I began to listen to sermons more. I was still drinking, still sinning, still acting out, but something had changed. It was as if Gods Grace came in a new way in my life. I began to see the path even though I was not actively following it.  I was still bitter, I still didn't want to go back to church, I still had a lot of shame, but I did begin to to sense the leading of The Lord.

 I fought it a bit. I was hurting in many ways. However then The Lord turned it up some more in interesting ways. 

 A spirit filled believer began working Night Audit in the hotel I was working. I felt the Holy Spirit in her and upon her. She didn't try and convince me to return, she didn't preach to me, but I could here her at times praying in The Spirit regularly. 

 Then another person was hired on that was a daughter of a new minister at The Church I left and God was drawing me back to. I  found myself in a position to defend her and The Church I was avoiding going back to.  That stirred in me a even more intense desire to pray in The Spirit.

Around November of 2005 . A spirit of prayer fell upon me and rose up within me. More on that in a moment, that will bring us to the end of this article.

Before I get into that let me point out that this was a 6 year period. There were many things that happened in life during this period I cant share here. I am not sharing specifics on purpose, not because I am ashamed of my story, but because I don't want that to become your focus.  

 I prayed thousands, probably tens of thousands of prayers from 1993-2006 from very dark, hard oppressed places. I focus on this six year period because the night I cried out to God not to let me die in this place, something broke. Nothing changed naturally. However from that night on I began to move toward the dimming light.

No matter how dark a place you may be in, there is hope. No matter how many times you have fallen you must get up again. No matter what the sin is you have fallen into or the shame you feel, you can rise up, be washed by His Blood and stand before Him unashamed. 

Now to bring this to an end. 

November 2005 something exploded in me. It was like The Holy Spirit grabbed me and put me in a place of intense prayer. Honestly it was so intense I didn't like it at times. I feared falling back into the white knuckle life like I shared earlier. But that didn't happen. I began to pray fervently all night at work. I marched in snow storms praying and crying. I walked miles and miles every night walking the property at work. 

I was still drinking, but quit smoking. My drinking become more controlled and I began to slowly pull away form the sins that easily beset me, but was still engaging. From November 2005 to February of 2006 I lost 50+ pounds from walking and praying.  

 In February 2006 we took a cruise and although I was drinking a lot of beer on the cruise, I was stirred in The Spirit. As I walked the Islands the gifts in me stirred. As we approached Dominica I could see in the spirit a haze of poverty over it.  I prayed under my breath as we toured the island. Before we got on the ship I was overcome and I knelt down ,placed my hand on the ground and claimed it for Christ. 

 When I stood up, I knew I had done something that was off. I felt something hit my stomach. When we returned from the trip. I began to have some symptoms that lasted for about a year, but peaked in about 6 months. That will have to be another article about authority and jurisdiction.

 Late March-Early April 2006:  

 I was sitting on my couch on a Friday night. I was probably about to open a beer and like a loud speaker in my soul I heard:

" GO BACK NOW" 

 I thought to myself ummm nope. However, it was a call that arrested me, it was as if my spirit man was being built the whole time and God had brought me to a place, unknown to me, that when He said "GO BACK NOW", I would.

 I got up, got dressed and went to church. What followed was divine appointment after divine appointment. A long period of purging and cleansing. Years of intense prayer and learning.  Supernatural moves of God in my body and soul. It was both intensely powerful and honestly intensely painful at times, as the root of all the darkness was exposed and dealt with. A process that is still going today.

 I look back now and see all the prayers I prayed while still in darkness were preparing me for the moment God said "GO BACK NOW" . All the cries, all the letters I wrote, all the intercession I found myself engaging in even as I was far from the church and people I was praying for, all of it was to prepare me for that day. All of it was preparing me for this day.

 My hearts cry for you is to pray no matter what. Seek His face no matter what. 

 To end I will repeat what I said above and add this. The time to believe fully is now. You don't have to wait to get so far from the light that you begin to lose sight of it. 

GO FOR IT NOW! 
BELIEVE NOW! 
GO BACK NOW! 
TITHE NOW! 
LOVE NOW! 
PRAY FOR THAT PERSON NOW! 
SEND THAT LETTER NOW! 
CALL THAT PERSON NOW! 
PREACH THAT MESSAGE NOW! 
HELP THAT PERSON NOW! 
BELIEVE NOW! 
START SERVING NOW! 

 No matter how dark a place you may be in, there is hope. No matter how many times you have fallen you must get up again. No matter what the sin you have fallen into or the shame you feel, you can rise up, be washed by His Blood and stand before Him unashamed. 

GIVE IT EVERYTHING YOU HAVE NOW!