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Gift of clarity - A now word

Catharsis Therapy To Face The Darkness

This is not for everyone . If you choose to read it. Please do so prayerfully. This post is about my experience and perspective and does not reflect on anyone else or any Church. Most important. God Is Good.  All these things will  turn with great momentum and will be used to go about doing good and setting others free, in Jesus Name. The darkness being expelled from the lives of all The Lord sends. 

It seems, for one reason or another , I have been forced to face something from my past that I had thought I had thoroughly dealt with.  The darkness keeps creeping up on me and settling upon me. Honestly I would prefer to not visit these memories. I would prefer to count the work I have already done in facing them as complete and move on. 

It is no fun to face pain. It is no fun to relive trauma and it is certainly no fun to have that trauma trip you up every time you begin to fully break free from its grip. However that is where I find myself. Once again facing a pain and a struggle I hate with all my being. 

I wont lie, this round of battles has been taxing to my faith. If there is a chief of double mindedness and unstable emotional roller coaster riders, I am He. It is as if I am surrounded by a fog, a darkness that seems to have stolen all The Lord built in me over the last 30 years. My spirit, when stirred and in the perfect environment comes alive. However that fog seems to await as soon as I begin to walk out my day. 

I guess I could describe the feeling and pressure as a severe, traumatic and devastating sense of loss and failure.  Worse yet, I know all the answers, well all the text book "christian-ese" answers. I know the WORD , I know about the power of prayer and confession. Yet here I am again. Facing something that feels like it wants to take everything I love from me, and if it cant, which it cant, it is content in isolating me in a dark fog of looping memories and thoughts. I find myself reaching in the darkness only to find the chains that hooked my soul before I had any choice in the matter. Even more wicked, this evil intruder seared into my soul the belief that it was my choice, it was my fault, and I was deserving of the pain and judgement of the darkness that surrounds me.

I am sharing this as a way to utilize a tool in mental health called Catharsis Therapy. I actually learned about this today as an actual tool to use in the effort to get to the core of these types of emotional traumas and loss.  Even as I write this I have a sense of empowerment. I will admit the image search brought me back to the place where the wicked intruder attacked my innocent vulnerable soul. 

Why was darkness allowed to steal my innocent baby and toddler years? 

I could wax spiritual here, but that isn't the point or purpose of this post. I could post one of the many poems and encouragements I have written over the years. I could show how much I understand about trauma, the body, the soul, the brain and how our spirit can be crippled by those things, but it wouldn't add to or help in this particular share. 

There are simply times in life we have to admit we just do not know. There are no easy answers. There are no theological views that bring any type of peace or closure to this for me. Not yet anyway. Why was such a dark spirit allowed to attack and innocent toddler? Why was this dark spirit allowed to return , night after night, from before my brain formed memories until I was somewhere between 6-8?

Where were the angels? Where was God? Why was Satan allowed to so scar my soul that even now at 50 years old, I can still feel the pin pierce the palm of my hand?  Even as I sit here typing this, my hand feels a little numb and my stomach feels and "hears" the sounds of terror and judgment and fear.

Why is my other earliest memory of an actual event that would scar me and literally leave a foul taste in mouth until my 30s and 40s. Why allow an innocent child to have 2 traumatic memories as his first memories? 

Throughout my childhood I remember having big outburst of anger when I felt left out or abandoned. I was a very angry kid. From kindergarten to when I was expelled , I was always fighting. I had to meet with a councilor in 5th grade for anger at school. 

There were other symptoms. I wrote a note to a girl once when I was in 5th grade that was very sexually explicit. Her mom found it and she interrupted me and the girl on the phone and straightened me out. She was very firm but also seemed to know that it wasn't normal for a 5th grader and there must have been a reason for it. Thinking back , I don't even know where those words came from, I mean they were weird.  

When I was about 9 or 10 I left much of being a kid behind. Darkness stole me preteen years. I started drinking and smoking pot regularly at 11, straight out partying when I was 12 and on to cocain and LSD when I was 15 or 16. 

 To add to my issues, there was something in my soul that shut down my system when I would try and have sex as a teen. Not that I didn't want to, but, something in me shut down everything. By the time I was 18 I seriously was deep in depression and hurt. I was acting out in other ways to try and meet the sexual needs I had, but that only brought shame to my heart. I became so addicted to one activity that even after meeting my wife it brought shame to me. I racked up bills on relatives phones and my dads phone bill.  Darkness just wouldn't let me live a normal life. As if it was steering me to become a violent, foul, broken man. 

I met the girl that would become my wife and things seemed to finally work. We were married less than a year after meeting. It seemed my life was finally going to normalize..........but no.

Then all hell broke loose in me. I had plans to attend college and become a police officer. It fell through, and as I said, it seemed all the darkness that was following me, that attached to me as a baby all came flooding upon me and in me. Not even a year into our marriage, with a new baby boy on the way, I became a man I didn't recognize, I gained over 100 ponds in about a year. I was angry, not working, had my new family on welfare and heading to being a man I did not like.  I was emotionally, spiritually and physically at the bottom of a foul pit. I threw up everyday for almost 2 years. I couldn't walk up a set of stairs without feeling sick. 

My wife is so precious, she doesn't hold any of those years against me, and really doesn't even feel the need to recall them. So for her benefit, I will not share the level at which I fell into anger. I will just say, it is not the man I was created to be and is not the man I am today. I am thankful those days did not last any longer than they did. 

Once again, what I thought was going to be a breakthrough of life. darkness stole it. 

Then one night I called my Dad and explained what was happening. He said. Rand you have to go to Church. I did, that is a longer testimony, but in a couple years, God did a miraculous work in me and our life. He saved me from  sure early end. 

I wish I could say The Lord has given me a great deliverance, and in many ways He has. However suffering and pain seems to have followed me. His grace has always been there, but, there has been so much suffering of the soul. I cant even describe it fully.  I spent years suffering with so much stress, anxiety, fear and pain, that I was physically in pain for many years.  

I sat in Church for year after year in so much physicals and emotional pain. No help came, no one heard, no one seemed to care, the weight finally crushed me.  Some year later, I returned to the house of God after going into deep darkness and sin. 

There was a leader prepared  by God to be a door for me to a team prepared by God to be a safe place for me. For many years the fires of The Spirit cleansed me, strengthened me, and drew me close to brothers and sisters in The Lord. I was on a great mountain top high with that team for many years. I needed that family. It seemed we were on a track to be a mighty ministry for our local church and a mighty fellowship of covenant saints. 

Then it seemed it was all gone. All taken away. All the dreams an visions stolen. The path destroyed, the family broken. This was my perspective. I tried to hold it together the best I could. I tried to grab the spiritual reigns and keep everyone on the same path on the same mission. It was all for nothing, I slowly, began to sink. I teamed up with a friend in the spirit to join spiritual forces to launch his ministry outreach. During a very hard time personally, I asked him to remember me when he needed to add staff. He didn't, he actually acted like I never even said that to him. Again this was my perspective. It crushed my soul. I literally felt like I got punched in the stomach. Another person abandoned me, and I felt guilty for expecting anything, for thinking I deserved to be part of a team like that. 

The last several years have been a constant battle. Most explained above. It has brought me to where I sit today as I type this. Naturally I have so much joy concerning my wife, my sons and my grand daughter. However, as I said above, I also have a great sense of loss and failure. As if the darkness has won and disqualified me from the dreams and visions I have in God and His Kingdom. 

Always a choice right? Choose laying it down and moving on. Or pressing on and holding on to hope. With a constant feeling, who am I kidding, all is gone, all have abandoned me, and because I lack the skills to build relationships and I don't have the perfect little box life, I really wont ever step into my destiny. So I just wont really choose either, but as you know that doesn't work. Not choosing Gods path always lets the darkness in to influence our path

Enter the darkness and why I feel I am facing this now. Below are picture representations of the horrific nightmare that is my earliest memory. Or my earliest memory that became a reoccurring nightmare. I believe I have fully utilize Catharsis Therapy writing this. They say pictures are a good form to stir the emotions and face them. 

Thank you for reading this far. 

I was sitting in complete darkness as a baby/toddler

I was presented with a pin cushion, with a small pin and a large pin. I had to choose. I always chose the wrong one, and anticipated I would. I reached for the pin.

The pin always pierced my palm with a numbing pain

As I pulled it out it made a loud dull sound,  a sense of fear and dread would come over me, knowing the horrific pain that would follow. The darkness was filled with anger and wrath coming down upon me. I chose wrong again and again, night after night.

Even now as an adult , when I feel like the darkness is surrounding me, I feel as if I am bound to make the wrong decision. Now though when I reach, I find nothing but chains waiting to bound me back to the darkness. 

BUT GOD!!!!!!!!

“You are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's own people, in order that you may proclaim the mighty acts of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light” (1 Peter 2:9)

Colossians 1:13-14

13 For he has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness and transferred us into the Kingdom of his dear Son, 14 who purchased our freedom and forgave our sins.

 

Help!!! I am bleeding internally | Prophet Didier Tison | ATIL Broadcast

A Word In Season. Freedom Is Possible

                                     

I applaud Carmen for her openess and strength to share her story of abuse, trauma and addiction. This book is precious in the eyes of God. This is a real story of redemption and restoration over time and Gods Great Grace to set us free. 

If you have suffered trauma, want to understand trauma , or are in a position where you minister or council people with childhood trauma, I believe this book will touch your heart and enable you to enter The Promise Land of Freedom. I highly suggest you order it and read it .  Just be ready to draw close to Jesus as you do.  I truly believe that this book, and the ministry God has given Carmen, were ordained by The Lord to reach those who are hiding in shame and the shadows. 

 I pray doors open wide to her and her family. We need this type of real talk and pure vulnerability. I needed it really bad in this very season of my life. Thank you Carmen for your obedience and courage.

 

Help Is Coming 3

  

Some might be wondering where Part One and Part Two are. Well they went the way of the Great Delete Button from YouTube.  That is okay, I am believe that as I type this, the same anointing that was on those messages from years ago, will be on this post. If I find them I will add a link. 

 I am writing this for a specific group of people. Actually, I am writing this for two groups of people.  The first, and main group, are those caught in an illness, depression, oppression , darkness , sin or physical-mental incapacity that you have not been able to be healed and delivered from.  You may or may not have a close relationship with The Lord Jesus, but the cry of your heart is continually asking for help. Your heart is heavy and broken from the trauma and pain of life. Whether from abuse, neglect, chronic illness and pain, you feel hopeless and hurt. It seems God doesn't care and even those you love may have lost hope that change is possible for you.  You are not alone. You are seen. To quote a friend of mine; You are not invisible. 

To you I say Help Is Coming and even nigh to you right now, as you read this. 

The second group of people are those who have carried a burden for the chronically lost, sick, broken and bound. Whether it is a burden for those who are physically chronically ill, or those who are chronically ill in thier minds and emotions. You are a Born Again , spirit filled Christian, who knows Gods will is to heal and deliver even those who are caught in deep darkness, and seemingly impossible to break chains.  You have seen an anointing and power in the spirit that has not yet been realized on earth. You have a burden on your heart to see those that will only be healed and delivered by a mighty working of miracles or a gift of special faith totally restored and set free. You groan in your heart and spirit for those so bound physically or mentally by demonic oppression that they need a demonstrative miracle be set free and restored to prefect mental and physical soundness.  You pray to The Lord with deep utterance and groanings for those you have a burden for.  Maybe lately your faith has waned because of time passed, pain endured and an unquenched empathy for the hurting and lost. 

To you I say Help Is Coming and even is nigh to you right now, as you read this.

 There is nothing you are facing, whether personally , or as an assignment as a minister, that is out of the reach of The Lords Hand. There is no sickness or oppression that is not subject to His Name and Faith in His name. There is no level of mental or physical incapacity that can not be made whole or restored by His Glory and Power. Even death itself is subject to Him and His Name. 

Jesus gave us two examples so that we could confidently face all things, in faith and assurance that He is able. The Madman of the Gadarenes and Lazareth. We can have faith that God will heal even the most broken body. Lazareth was dead for days, his body already rotting, yet Jesus looked up to Heaven, gave glory to God, Commanded Lazareth to come forth, and  Lazareth was restored to wholeness.

We can believe for the most broken body to be healed, even unto the most crippled, even unto death. 

The man with the Legion is an example of The All Powerful Authority of Jesus. 

No matter what demonic or mentally ill challenge is set before us in ministering Gods Love and Grace, we have no excuse to think for a moment that it is not possible to bring perfect soundness and deliverance to a precious one of God.  

There is no mental illness that can not be perfectly healed. There is no demonic possession that can not be driven out. There is no filth or brokenness of man, that can not be restored and made perfectly clean and whole!!!!!!

He loves and cares for you and those you have been praying for, far more than you can imagine! 

To those whose hearts right now are stirring, longing and even crying out to God saying "I so want it to be so" !  I say to you

HELP IS ON THE WAY!

To those tired from the battle and weary from the fight. I say to you

HELP IS ON THE WAY!

 For those who are thinking, "but it is thier lack of faith that is keeping them from being delivered and healed". You are not thinking along the same lines as this post is following. I will refer you back to the examples of Lazareth and The Man with The Legion. You are not flowing in the same river, or walking along the same path as this specific word. 

You are not wrong, just not rightly applying that truth, to these I am speaking to. You wouldn't tell a person so physically bound and broken that they are unable to move, understand, or operate in anyway to have a faith they can not comprehend due to incapacity. Many are bound the same way in the darkness and trauma of the soul. Thier minds and souls are literally crippled and twisted up. 

(For more on The Importance of Faith -See the link at the bottom of this post. It will open up a post I wrote from 2012.)

For those who have heard that you are to blame for your struggles because you just done have enough faith, or have sinned too much. Or those that have a burden for the cast aside ones, the feeble minded, the trauma blinded hearts and minds.  I say to you

HELP IS ON THE WAY!

God is a restorer of souls. He is a help to those in trouble. He is a refuge to those caught in the storm. He doesn't look at the bound and the traumatized with anything but love and a desire to free them fully. He isn't looking for reasons not to deliver His Creation. He is always looking for those whom He can show His Glory and Love to. The Ministry of Jesus was never supposed to subside and weaken, but was transferred in all its Power and Authority to The Church who He gave a Commission to and promised to FULLY back  with His Power, Authority and Glory. 

When Jesus was abut to leave the Earth He told His Disciples:

John 14:12-18

The Answered Prayer

12 “Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do, because I go to My Father. 13 And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. 14 If you ask anything in My name, I will do it.

Jesus Promises Another Helper

15 “If you love Me, keep My commandments. 16 And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever— 17 the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him; but you know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you. 18 I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you.

In Other Words: HELP IS ON THE WAY!!!

I want to encourage you to set your heart toward Jesus. Look to Him. Call upon His Name. He is still the same. He has not weakened or changed His Plan to build a Church that The Gates of Hell have no hope of standing against. His answer today would be the same as it was when Johns Disciples asked Him if He was The One or should they look for another, and until we can respond in the same way, He is still working to get His Word to prosper in His Church and Ministers.  Let these word burn the determination in your heart that The Lord wants you whole. 

Luke 7:11-23

New King James Version

11 Now it happened, the day after, that He went into a city called Nain; and many of His disciples went with Him, and a large crowd. 12 And when He came near the gate of the city, behold, a dead man was being carried out, the only son of his mother; and she was a widow. And a large crowd from the city was with her. 13 When the Lord saw her, He had compassion on her and said to her, “Do not weep.” 14 Then He came and touched the open coffin, and those who carried him stood still. And He said, “Young man, I say to you, arise.” 15 So he who was dead sat up and began to speak. And He presented him to his mother.

16 Then fear came upon all, and they glorified God, saying, “A great prophet has risen up among us”; and, “God has visited His people.” 17 And this report about Him went throughout all Judea and all the surrounding region.

John the Baptist Sends Messengers to Jesus

18 Then the disciples of John reported to him concerning all these things. 19 And John, calling two of his disciples to him, sent them to Jesus, saying, “Are You the Coming One, or do we look for another?”

20 When the men had come to Him, they said, “John the Baptist has sent us to You, saying, ‘Are You the Coming One, or do we look for another?’ ” 21 And that very hour He cured many of infirmities, afflictions, and evil spirits; and to many blind He gave sight.

22 Jesus answered and said to them, “Go and tell John the things you have seen and heard: that the blind see, the lame walk, the lepers are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, the poor have the gospel preached to them. 23 And blessed is he who is not offended because of Me.”

Click here for a post from 2012 on the importance of Faith. 

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